Saturday, 20 December 2008

Despatches From The (Sofa)Bed Of An Invalid.....

Pity me gentle reader for I am ill.

My limbs ache, my head throbs, my breathing is wheezy and I cough like a car backfiring…. In short I have Man-Flu.

I undoubtedly contracted this most dolorous of maladies from one of my co-shirkers at the office. All week he has been coughing pathetically, and rolling his eyes in a most irritating and overly theatrical fashion, as if at death’s door. I have been tutting and flashing him dark looks intended first to convey “Pull yourself together man it’s only a cold”, until Wednesday I switched scowls to a “If your really that ill why are you still here infecting all of us” grimace. But to no avail, nothing would satisfy him but that we too must all feel his pain.

Although not a proper doctor, I feel I can state with some certainty however, that the disease has mutated in transmission (flu does that you know) as I clearly have a much worse strain than him. I shouldn’t wonder if it is not actually new to medical science. In fact, I do have a shred of supporting evidence for the seriousness of my condition, as the new drugs I’m taking for arthritis, work by suppressing the immune system, thus leaving me at increased risk of infections. Therefore I’m bound to be worse off than other folk aren’t I?

I have not presented this interesting case to my doctor yet, as in the past he has been, frankly, quite unsympathetic. Once when laid low by what any fool could see was a life threatening chest infection, he told me to “go home and rest” and added that “there’s a lot of it about”….as if becoming a statistic was likely to make me feel better!

I’m not at all sure he has found his proper vocation, but I don’t like to say anything.

Another thing that irks is the abject failure of modern science, in an age where Walt Disney can put men on the moon, and small Asian men can deliver pizza hot to your door in a matter of minutes, to find a cure for such a common complaint.

Or if not a cure, then why can’t Britain’s much vaunted National Health Service, the second largest employer in the world, (beaten only by the Indian Railways system) at least provide a little palliative care. Surely Myleene Klass in a nurse's outfit with a concerned look on her face is not too much to ask…...... I pay my taxes dammit!


goooooood girl said...

your blog is very fine......

Petunia's Gardener said...

So sorry about this development, GM! Hope you're seeing signs of improvement now. Will using the sofa time to plot undercover acts of office revenge help?

Best wishes for recovery!

Matron said...

Poor wittle diddums!

Soilman said...

I have two words: Flu jab.

Get one and avoid it. Have had the jab for 12 years, and haven't had flu for... 12 years.

You know it makes sense.

Greenmantle said...

Soilman... Yes. Sage advice indeed.

As it happens I was booked in to have one on Thursday, but they wouldn't do it.....because I had flu!

Ironic ? - Alanis Morrisette eat yer heart out.

PS. Why cannot I not comment on your blog?. What is HashCash, and why does it always delete me?....I'm not a bad person.

Soilman said...

It's an auto spam-killer, Greenmantle. Kills messages left by spambots. Is there something about your set-up that makes it think you're not human!?!?
Sorry. Got so fed up with acres of spam that I installed the most murderous option I could find...!

Greenmantle said...

Not really mate. Just my normal blogger id .

No worries though.... My comments are seldom actually as funny I think they are!