When Cars Go Bad.....

Some tedious motor troubles have occurred over the last week, which frankly have bored me almost as much as they have frustrated me. In an attempt therefore to extract some positive, rather if paltry comedic value, I shall make a list below....(As is often my wont!)

1. I sort of half hear a bang and some shouting outside in the street at 11:45 pm last Tuesday. Due to drowsiness, nakedness, and comfiness of bed, decide "its probably nothing" and go back to sleep.

2. I wake up in morning to find a wing mirror hanging off the car. Seems clear that someone must have driven round the corner a bit tight, and clipped it with their vehicle.

3. I Am late for work after some very un-mechanic like hacking and taping, but resign myself to forking out for a new mirror.

4. I sacrifice my intended weekend away, to go see "Reliable Ron", my local car doctor, to get it fixed on Saturday, as I cannot take time off work.

5. I Arrive home on Wednesday to be told by a chap across the way, that it was not accident, and he saw it all. Seems two "lads" in a "darkish car" were driving down the Old High Street, and suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. The passenger got out, and began working his way down a line of parked cars, (starting with mine) gleefully kicking off wing mirrors, a' la Bruce Lee. When my neighbour suggested loudly that they Foxtrot Oscar, they jumped back in their car and sped off.

6. I phone it in to the police, "just for the record" as we don't have a car reg, or a very detailed description from the witness..... Who in fairness was yelling out of his bedroom window at the time.

7. On Friday, I get a call from an Ossifer of the Law, who absolutely insists on coming round to take a statement. On Sunday, thus dealing the coup de grace to the remains of my weekend.

8. Go to see Reliable Ron on Saturday, who is having an uncharacteristic off day on the reliability front, and has ordered the wrong part. Agree to come back early Tuesday morning on the way to work.

9. Sacrifice Sunday morning waiting for the very polite but depressingly young looking policeman, who then declines to take a statement after all, and says they probably can't do anything as we don't have a description. ....He's smart this lad.

10. Tuesday, go to see Plain Ordinary Ron, to find that the new part did not arrive , due to some sort of comedy mix up involving two garages with the same name in neighbouring towns. Rather than tip me off the day before, Ron decided to wait until I was 200 yards away before phoning me to tell me not to get up early and drive over.

11. After work I find I have received several leaflets in the post from the local Police Station advising me what to do after being a victim of crime, and advising how I can "access victim support".

12. Wednesday.... Beat a weary path to Ron's again. His neighbours must think we are having an affair I've been there so often. Finally get to admire myself in the new mirror though, and Ron patiently explains how I should go about fitting one myself another time, while I stand around feeling inept, and slightly foolish.

13. "Young Detective of The Year" phones to confirm that they cannot take it further, as we don't have a car reg or a description. I swear that I can hear his biro ticking a "completed" box on a record sheet over the phone. Actually I just swear.

14. All that remains now of course, is to await the inevitable re-appearance of Bruce Lee......... Like all good movie stars, he blends action with suspense.